When I lost my grandma I lost my best friend and the person who I loved the most in the world. My grandma was the person who I always called first with good or bad news, if I needed help, or just someone to have a natter with. She was the person who always knew the right thing to say in any given situation, the person who has pushed me to achieve more than was expected, the person who offered me the most support, the person who told me how proud of me she was at any given opportunity, the person who I worked so hard for, and the person who has been the most consistent figure throughout my whole life.
My grandma was a huge advocate for living, really living, pushing yourself to be the best, and constantly bettering yourself. She was great fun, and was also the hardest worker I knew. Losing her was the hardest thing I have experienced and has made me so much stronger in a number of ways. I no longer fear death and I am aware of my strength. I owe so much to my grandma. She has left such a legacy which means that I don't really NEED to ring her or talk to her in person as she was always so consistent in her morals and beliefs that I know exactly what she would say in any situation. I think that is such a massive achievement, and it makes me so proud to be able to say that. It lessens the impact of loss if it feels like the person is still right there with you and it demonstrates what a colossal impact she had on my life to be able to think that way now. She will forever be my motivation.
It's so strange, almost 3 months have passed and I am still in the habit of wanting to call her in certain situations; like when I was on the coach on my way home from London and I found out I had been accepted onto my postgraduate course. It's almost instinctual. My first thought was to call and let mammar know. Again, I know what she would have said. There would have been a lot of "Oooooh!!! Oooooh Kathryn!!"s and probably tears and a lot of her making sure I knew how proud she was of me, and how proud grandad would have been, and that is very comforting.
The loss is especially potent right now as it is my graduation in a week and mammar always spoke about how proud it was going to make her to see me in my cap and gown. Whenever she helped me out she always said the payment for doing so was to see me in my cap and gown. And when she found out she was dying, my graduation was her strongest motivation to live. She was very strong. If her stomach hadn't ruptured I have no doubt in my mind that she would still be alive. It will be a bitter sweet day, but she would want no less than for me to enjoy it, which is exactly what I am going to do. For her.
I am so privileged to have had her in my life for 24 years, I could not have asked for anymore from my grandma. I hope she still exists somewhere, I hope somehow she watched me speak at her funeral and liked what I had to say, I hope she still feels my love and still knows that I am so proud of her and miss her so much. I hope she is back with my grandad. I will continue to try my very best for her, and for my mum, and I will continue to love and miss her and speak of her for the rest of my life.
My grandma. 3/10/32 - 11/10/2013.
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